The Daily Growth Blog #8/365 | Perspectives and Perceptions
I know I’ve written about this umpteen times. But it just doesn’t get old. Perspectives shape our present, our future and how we think about our past. Perspectives about others, about situations and about behaviours can lead us to create long term perceptions that may or may not be an accurate estimate of the world around us.
Why then do we create those perspectives in the first place? Well, because they give us some sort of foundation on top of which we base all our actions or logic. It is a kind of lens through which we visualize the deeper meaning of people and experiences.
The problem with perspectives is that they are not right, a lot of the time. And this is not just when we have a perspective about an external event or person. Our perspectives about our closest friends and dearest relationships might not be as much as 70% accurate. We misunderstand those who are closest to us the most! Why? Because we interact with them the most and hence the odds start to get stacked against us as we continue to interact.
Let’s take a random example. Imagine we’re having a good day, taking care of business, managing our responsibilities and taking on the world quite well. All of a sudden, some random team-mate or our manager sends us a text that says, ‘Can’t you do something properly for once?’
And that’s it.
Our good mood evaporates. We feel antsy, we feel weird and we feel angry. How dare someone speak to us like that. Who do they think they are?
We basically spend the next few hours (or days) thinking about the ways in which we should be getting back at them for their rude behaviour. We don’t think there could be any other reason for them to have said what they said. In some cases they might even send you a sorry in a couple of hours (if you’ve not responded to their text by then) because what’s happened at their end is worth describing too.
On the other side of the fence, the same colleague or manager may have had a rough start to the day, managing one fire after another, getting their back-sides whooped by the world around them. After all the craziness, perhaps they were counting on the project they were doing with us to go well. Then suddenly they see a relatively minor mistake by us but all the pent up frustration comes out right at that very moment and they send us a rude message. Quite similar to how a pressure cooker works.
But the good thing is, that these moments are a good test of character and the soul of the person. Because if they truly care about us, they’ll send us a message as soon as they’ve cooled down and they’ll apologize to us for their misdemeanour. They’ll probably also acknowledge that they had a bad day (that’s a song by James Blunt) and try to make up for it.
What should we do in such a scenario? Forget it every happened and give the poor colleague or manager a break.
But many a time we hold on to our ego and continue to berate the other person for what they said or did. We build a perspective which is way stronger and way deeper than the other person would have ever imagined it to be. And then begins a long and drawn out process of ‘talking’, ‘getting back on the same plane’, ‘clarifying and rectifying’ etc. etc.
Oh, the waste of time makes me feel so queasy inside.
When I was a kid, I got a gift from a friend — a small decorative piece with a saying on it — ‘to know you is to love you and I know you very much.’ Felt stupid back then but now I can’t get over it. To know you is to love you. Wow.
If we truly ‘know’ someone, we can then start to ‘love’ them. If we don’t know someone we can’t really love them or get closer to them. And when we really KNOW someone, random behavioural issues do not matter much. We can get over those hiccups quite easily and move on. In seconds even. It’s just not worth spending the time & energy with a loved one, trying to clarify why we or they did or said anything that was unexpected.
Caveat — If these are sporadic events, yes, we can let go and not think about it. But if they’re too consistent for comfort, then yes, we need to have that ‘talk’ for sure. The health of the relationship needs to be maintained as well.
Here are some of the points that I try to think of so that I don’t create perspectives and perceptions that block ‘free thinking’ in every situation —
#1 — No one is perfect
Obvious, but always helps to keep reminding ourselves about this. Not even our mothers are perfect.
#2 — No one cares about us as much as we do
Yes, unfortunately, no one else is thinking about what we feel or what they might have made us feel, as much as we spend time thinking about this. If we could stop giving ourselves too much importance, we’d realise that things that seem really big in our minds are actually quite miniscule in the larger scheme of things.
#3 — Focusing on our circle of influence (3 people in it, max)
Knowing who our core group is, and deciding to only care or think deeply about their opinions about us, is a sure shot way of living a more carefree and chilled out life. Beyond the core ‘circle of influence’ it shouldn’t really matter who says, thinks or does anything related to us.
#4 — Not victimising ourselves (please)
We love playing the victim card, and it makes us feel a lot more important. Gives us a false sense of security too. Oh, the world is out to get us. Save us. No, no one is out to get us. (As explained in #2 — no one really cares). There is no human sitting in our workplace who’s scheming on how to bring us down. And unless we believe in it, there is nothing called ‘office politics’. Period.
#5 — Being sad doesn’t make us important, and being happy doesn’t make us privileged
Oh the number of times we’ve tried to stay miserable so that others don’t think that we’re enjoying ‘too’ much. Or the times when we’ve not shown our true happiness because we think it might not last. Hence we decide to choose a demeanour that is plain vanilla all the time. ‘Nazar na lag jaaye’.
Being happy, joyous and being able to laugh at ourselves are one of the most under-rated ways to living a more wholesome life. We should tune our minds to receive more happiness and joy. Yes, it’s easier said than done but by building a free and more open outlook (without creating long term perceptions about everything around us), we can get a little closer to living a more phenomenal life.
Cheers!