The Daily Growth Blog #21/365 | What do we really want to focus on?
Long long ago, in the year 2006, I was supposed to start attending coaching classes for my medical entrance tests, right after my Class 12 board exams. My mom and I zeroed in on this institute called ‘Akash’ in South-Ex, Delhi, around 8kms from our home, and I enrolled for their two-month crash course for medical entrance test training.
I was supposed to attend classes for five (or six) days a week, 6 hours a day (or something like that — I don’t exactly remember how long the ordeal lasted).
My mom told me that I should take Bus #540 which started from a bus-stop near our place and would drop me right outside the institute. I didn’t get the point of travelling by bus when my dad could drop me or we could hire an auto-rickshaw but I trusted her (she was my mother, after all) and tried it out for a couple of days.
I hated it from the bottom of my heart.
I mean, the ride was okay. Buses are comfortable machines if you get a good seat (away from the four rear tyres) and you are on a route that does not traverse congested areas of Delhi.
But I didn’t get the logic of walking to a bus-stop, waiting for a bus, taking an hour to cover a distance that’d take less than 30 minutes otherwise, and then repeating the whole process on the way back. Such an unnecessary waste of time and energy.
So I confronted my mom and asked her why she wanted her elder son (with such a great personality & good looks) to go through this madness, day in and day out. Why couldn’t I just take an Auto-Rickshaw? Yes it would cost an extra 100 bucks a day but it would be so much more convenient. Well worth the extra money spent. She responded that travelling by bus would help build my character. She also shared stories of herself, her sisters, and even her dad and how they had travelled a lot by bus, and learned a lot from their experiences. Hence, it would help me become more independent and grow into a better human being as well.
Since I was a very stubborn child, I eventually got my way and also left the classes mid-way because I just couldn’t understand Botany (The only thing I remember from Botany is that the latin name for Tulsi is Ocimum Sanctum).
I never understood the concept of creating unnecessary hurdles for oneself to build toughness or character or anything else. And I always believe in generational progress. If I am able to reach a certain level in my life (personally and professionally), that’s the foundation or base on which my future generations should be able to grow further, and achieve even bigger things. Right? I was never impressed with stories of my grandparents walking 10–20kms to go to school or having to study below street lights etc. I do respect them and their dedication to growth but expecting future generations to do the same thing, in a completely different world of opportunities, is slightly mundane.
When I joined college, a similar conversation took place — ‘Vineet, you should take xyz bus to your college. I had had enough. I picked up an old Kinetic Honda that no one had touched for years, got it repaired (using my own pocket money, that my parents had given me, mind you) and used it to commute EVERYWHERE. And I loved the independence beyond anything else. And I had so much more time to do other things I wanted to focus on. Like, cycling for fun (what an irony) or playing cricket (upskilling) and speaking to my imaginary girlfriend (yes, that was a phase too).
Anyway, that was my first experience with ‘focus’ or the ‘law of manifestation’ or the ‘law of attraction’ etc. I manifested independence in my life and decided to focus on creating a set of beliefs I wanted to live by, and not blindly following the beliefs or values handed down by my parents (yes those are important parts of me as well). Looking back, this decision has really held me in good stead as I’ve progressed. Even today, I look back at that younger and much more unsure ‘me’ and high-five him for having the courage to stand up for his own power.
The Law of Attraction / Manifestation
I did read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and I do understand what she’s trying to convey. I have also heard from a number of people about how the whole concept of ‘The Universe’ and how only we are responsible for our circumstances is a very simplistic (and stupid) way of living life. I understand both sides and their viewpoints. Both make sense and both are right in their own way.
Yes, there are some circumstances that are beyond our control (a pandemic, recession, demonitisation etc.) and there are some unforeseen circumstances that do affect us directly or indirectly (death, loss of occupation, an injury etc). Individuals who simply believe in the power of manifestation may end up thinking too much about such circumstances and trying to figure out what they did ‘wrong’ or how they might have thought ‘negative thoughts’ that led to these situations. This might lead those individuals into deeper feelings of misery and self-doubt. That, in my opinion, is wrong.
On the other hand, to victimise oneself and not really work hard at fixing a negative situation or shutting ourselves down when we are faced with adverse circumstances, because we do not believe in our responsibility towards our own future, is not right either.
For me, the right path lies somewhere in the middle. And for me, it is about choice and focus. Based on where I am right now, in life, and how things have progressed, I do believe in my abilities to affect my environment. And I don’t mean my material or worldly environment only, but the environment inside me as well. How I perceive the world around me, how I react or respond to situations and how I create a mind-space that is growth-focused or problem-focused, everything depends a lot on how I visualize my own life.
Anyway, based on my experiences, here are five things I’ve realised about focus and manifestation—
#1 — We can focus on things, people or ideas
Till last year, I enjoyed gossip of all kinds. Talking about how people are, how they behave, why they do things in a certain way etc. I loved talking to people about other people. More often than nought all such conversations tend to take a slightly negative tone. (Because why would we speak positively about anyone else)?
If we truly think about how we feel when we talk about someone in a negative manner, with emotions and feelings that spew anger or hatred towards them, we’ll realise that no one but us gets affected by such gossip. Why? Because no one really cares about what we think. Even the people we gossip with might think twice before sharing things with us, in the future.
I stopped doing this over the course of this year. I don’t know what clicked. And now when I look back, I realise that I was not as happy or peaceful as I am now, when I have completely stopped talking about ‘people’ in general. Yes, the occasional rant does happen every now and then but largely speaking, I’ve lost 95% of my need or will to gossip. And I love it — It is such a peaceful zone to be in.
This agreement I’ve made with my mind to focus on discussing ideas & thoughts about growth, and not people & their behaviours, has really helped me become a better human being.
#2 — We can focus on material gain and feel short-term excitement
I love cars, and ever since I can remember, I’ve always felt excited about acquiring new cars. It is a weird fixation that I’ve changed from ‘desire’ to ‘admiration’ now. There was a point many years ago when I’d convinced my mom that we needed to get a MUV (Multi-utility-vehicle) for our small little family. We’d even gone as far as making the booking and were at the final stage of closing off on the loan.
Thankfully, my mom came home from office one fine day and asked me why we needed an MUV. We weren’t sure of what I was going to study next (after my engineering) and we weren’t clear on what my full-time job was going to be (I used to work in the world of books back then) and there was no way a car would address any requirements that any of us had back then. Then why buy one? What need were we satisfying? I had no answer.
She cancelled the deal right then and there — cancelled the loan, informed the dealership and told me to figure out what I really wanted in life.
I was upset back then but today, I feel that was the best decision of our lives. I can not even imagine the burden I would’ve had to live with, paying off EMIs for a car I could certainly not afford based on what I was making back then. It was such a stupid decision. I still thank my mom for that powerful decision she took at the last stage. What a rockstar!
I’ve seen a lot of my family and friends focus a lot of their time and mental energy on their next house, next vacation spot, next car, next phone, next weekend and a lot more ‘nexts’. While some form of material gain is important for progress, they should not become ‘goals’ for us. That’s a very menial thing to focus on.
While a dream house could be an aim, the goal should be love & happiness for ourselves and for our near & dear ones. A house could be a means to achieving that love & happiness. But a house cannot be an end goal. Does that make sense?
#3 — We can focus on our pain
Don’t we all enjoy talking about our bad knee or how we have an allergy that can be fatal or how our back is not as strong as it used to be. Blah blah blah. It makes us feel important somehow, to create this feeling that we are battling something in our physical self. Probably makes us feel more important, I don’t know.
I’ve slowly trained myself to stop focusing on pain or sickness. Yes, it is important to treat your body right and keep it healthy, but there is no need to ‘share’ unless I’m really sick and need some help. That’s helped me stay clear of many illnesses, many of the times.
When we (in India) were going through the second wave, earlier this year, there were two kinds of reactions of people who got afflicted with the Big-C. One set stayed quiet, managed the illness on their own, quarantined, self-isolated and came out of it smoothly. I remember how Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) shared that he and his family were down with the Big-C only after they were cured and out of danger. They’d kept it under wraps and made sure that no negative energy got diverted their way.
The other set of people made a lot of noise, shared how they were feeling, three-four times in a day, shared updates on umpteen whatsapp groups and even Instagram! I remember that many of our Bollywood ‘heroes’ chose to share their pain, distress and ‘fight’ with the Big-C on social media, soliciting sympathy, asking others to ‘pray’ for them and sharing updates day in and day out.
I accept both behaviours but resonate with the first one. It’s better to focus on growth than focus on our pain. A keen focus on pain, and feeling sorry for oneself tends to increase such instances of pain. I’ve had personal experiences where a body part has continued to hurt for a long time just because of my anxiety associated with the injury. It’s absurd but when I fixed my mind, the pain automatically vanished. Bizzare!
#4 — We can focus on how the world was unfair to us
Another form of the victimisation card that a lot of people enjoy playing is how the world has been unfair, and how luck hasn’t favoured us. How others have seemingly got their wishes fulfilled without making half the effort we made. Or how the boss favours one employee and agrees to everything he or she says. Or how lady luck always seems to be on the side of our arch rivals.
Yada yada yada.
If we focus on how the world was unfair to us, we’ll see everything with the same lens of distrust. We close ourselves to receiving happiness and love. No no, this is not some random mumbo jumbo about the law of attraction. Think about it — If someone comes up to us with an opportunity, and if we focus on goodness, we might weigh the opportunity positively and objectively. We might even find it to be lucrative. In contrast, if we believe that the world is out to get us, we’ll probably not even consider the opportunity and move on thinking that it’s a means to further exploitation.
It is very tough to get out of this downward spiral of how everything or everyone around us is against us and that we always need to keep our defenses up. But it’s very important to fight against these feelings, and let go of this sense of victimisation. We should never focus on anyone else around us and think of them as a source of negativity or bad fortune. We should try to be a combination of positive, intelligent and careful. Trust the world!
#5 — We can focus on being a happy soul
I envy people who are truly nice and genuinely love the world around them. There are very few human beings around us who have that innate power. I’ve been fortunate to meet some of these souls. They’re so loving, so cheerful and they are happy going that extra mile to make someone else’s dreams come true. These souls are forms of ‘God’ in our lives. We should always respect them, never take them for granted and make sure we also try to be there for them, whenever we can.
Also, we should try and learn from these souls, and understand where their goodness comes from. Is it a core belief in the overall goodness of humanity or is it the love they genuinely feel for their fellow-beings or is it just a feeling of openness without too many thoughts about what could or what will be?
Whatever be the reason, their focus on being true to their core values surely stands them apart, and stands them ahead of the rest of us. Cheers to all these awesome souls!
It’s good to focus on being our best selves, tap into the reservoir of strength our core holds and spread happiness wherever we go. That’s the key to a genuinely happy life.
Also, before I end, a very important point about how people seem to believe that ‘nice guys finish last’. No, nice guys who are dumb and too innocent might finish a bit behind cunning & conniving guys who don’t care about the world but they will still be happier. While I don’t consider myself a genuinely nice person, I’ve seen some genuinely nice people across all walks of life and have found them to be happy souls, no matter what they do, no matter where they are. They are content and peaceful with themselves and the world around them. Also, nice guys who want to do well have to be a bit intelligent about managing the world around them. Being nice, mature and intelligent will ensure that the nice guys do stay ahead of the game too. More on ‘niceness’ on some other day.
For now, let’s focus on the right things and make ourselves reach some higher % of our potential. Let’s try to create a ‘magical’ life.
Cheers!