The Daily Growth Blog #19/365 | The thing about failure is?
Well, in the last week, I’ve had two very different interview experiences. Both taught me a lot about myself and my approach towards different types of problems. And they also taught me about failure.
And no, I am still not sure about the outcome of the two of them, but in general, it is heartening to see how so many failures brought me to this position where I have become 78% indifferent to the outcome of interviews and only 22% of my human, competitive and worldly mind gets attached to the outcome.
(Am I 22% away from true Moksha then)?
Anyway, one of the interviews was a case-based strategy presentation where personal and professional skills were tested. The other one was a ‘pressure’ test with some of the leaders of the organization. They were trying to assess my ability to manage different responsibilities that the role demands, and my propensity to buckle (or not) under pressure.
More on both the interviews once I finish my magnum opus blog on this entire experience of six months of job hunting, soul searching and upskilling. But the main reason I wanted to share a quick tidbit of these interviews was that these two experiences were my best yet. I was pleasantly surprised with how I approached the interviews, the pressure tests and the presentation. I don’t know when an internal switch clicked and I became confident in what I was trying to achieve but it happened through all the failures I went through, in the past many months.
Each failure broke me down, made me rethink my choices in life and re-evaluate the path I had taken. Each failure also strengthened my resolve, gave me new perspectives and increased my knowledge in one way or the other.
Here are the top things that ‘failing’ has taught me about myself:
#1 — It hurts
Yes, failing hurts. Even failures that are private in nature hurt a lot. I don’t like to fail. I take it personally, and try to figure out what I could’ve done differently and how I can avoid failing (in a similar situation) in the future.
The longevity of the ‘hurting’ phase has reduced, over the years. Earlier I would think about the failure for weeks on end. Now I can move on faster, even in a couple of days, depending on the magnanimity of the failure.
I think failure should hurt. We should ‘feel’ the pain of not succeeding. Through the pain, we should also learn how to pick ourselves up again.
Also, I can’t spread the pain to others – I feel it inside and keep it inside. I will probably share my thoughts and learnings with others but I can never share my emotions as openly. I don’t even know if I should.
#2 — I have to write the experience down
Writing helps me get a better perspective and paint a clearer picture in my head, of all the circumstances and events that were involved in the failure. It creates an objective view of the failure, giving me a deeper understanding of the nooks & crannies that were lost in the muddle of emotions passing through my mind.
Hence, I try to make it a point to write down everything I can remember about the event – my efforts, my research and my preparation. If I’m feeling motivated enough, I’d also be able to analyse the reasons for the failure, and learn a bit faster.
While I have not implemented this process of writing and healing in all the different circumstances when I’ve failed, I am trying my best to get over the monkey brain inside me that wants to continue feeling bad, procrastinate on actually tackling the problem head-on and wallow in its own self-pity.
#3 — Failure breaks me and eventually, creates something stronger
Some failures really break me. I feel lost and unable to do anything for some days, at least. I don’t know why I react that way but it just happens. Earlier I would get really upset because of this phase of intense discomfort after a failure. Now I try to enjoy the feelings and let them flow through me.
Now, even when I’m broken and hurt, I know that it is imperative for my inner self to go through the motions & emotions. I try to enjoy the phase of falling down, and breaking down.
Because every time failure breaks me down, I emerge a stronger being – mentally and emotionally. (And in the case of a hard workout, physically). And there are no two ways about it. Every process of growth involves discomfort of some form or the other.
#4 — Failure makes me more ‘human’
While I do not understand most human emotions, and can be classified as an emotionless person by most of my friends and family members, failures break the illusion and the ‘image’ of superman I like to create about myself. It makes me feel vulnerable, open and also grounds me, in more ways than one.
Failure also helps make me more humble and, I think, nicer. It also makes me more empathetic to others around me. Rude awakenings always serve that one basic purpose of breaking apart all illusions of ego.
I know today’s blog isn’t even close to what we’d categorise as a ‘good read’, maybe because I’m still going through this process of getting over my last failure — I’ve categorized my effort as a failure even though the result isn’t out yet. Because that’s what failure is, in the end. Not external in nature. I don’t think I’d mind failing a result if I gave it my all and worked hard.
In contrast, I would classify an effort as a failure even if the result was a success and that’s what’s irking me right now – Would I be able to enjoy a successful result knowing very well that I could have done much better?
(The thoughts continue to bug me but I continue to enjoy the process)
Win win!