The Daily Growth Blog #15/365 | The different levels of knowing people (Part 2)
Continuing this from the previous blog, where we understood a bit about the ‘levels’ of people and how our expectations should match the level at which a person is, in our circle of ‘connection’ or ‘influence’.
Based on my experiences in life, I’ve tried to define some of the levels and how our expectations could be set or reset for people around us, based on the levels they are in.
Level 1, The Core
This is a group of people who are the closest to us, with whom we can (and do) share everything. They understand us, for who we are, inside. Even if there are phases of our lives where we haven’t lived up to our values, this group of people gives our better selves another chance. They truly ‘know’ us. In their company, we are the most comfortable because we know that even if the whole world stands against us, our ‘core’ group will always be there, to share and care, without judgment.
Frankly speaking, this level should have a very select group of people. Normally not more than 5, I would suggest. For some of us, even both (or any) of our parents might not feature in this group because over time we’ve lost the ‘core’ connect with them. Ideally our partner (husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend) should be here, for sure. Beyond that, this might include parents, a couple of very close friends, or a relative who is deeply connected with us.
With this group, we can be ourselves, feel all our emotions, exhibit all our emotions, have certain expectations of them and be open with our feedback. There shouldn’t be any inhibitions or fears with this group. There shouldn’t be any formalities either. We should be okay taking this group for granted (at times, if required) and letting them do the same with us, without any ego.
Level 2, The Friendlies
This group is also quite close to us, but we do maintain some form of distance with them. We’re not very open, generally. When we do interact, we discuss everything and share almost everything but our core emotions or values may not match all the time. There will be a frequency mismatch. And after some time, we will feel like taking a break from this group or we will rejig this group based on the phase of life we are in. It is quite malleable, based on where we are and what are goals & objectives are.
These can be great team-mates at work, friends in college or school, and even tennis or workout buddies. They come into our lives to teach us something and then eventually move on, as we grow (or degrow) and we get another set of ‘current’ friendlies.
The best part though? We keep crossing paths with old friendlies every now and then. A dinner here, a random airport meeting there. It’s very cool to meet old friendlies. We’re able to look into our past, and have a great time chatting with these folks. Always a good way to create these deja vu experiences, gain some perspective and come back to our current lives, rejuvenated.
With this group, expectations should be minimal. Yes, we can count on them for things we’ve asked them to do — a random favour (interview referral maybe) here & there. Beyond that, we should not expect anything from any of them. We should be okay being surprised by their acts of benevolence because we do not expect anything. We should not be okay being shocked by their acts of disregard because we expected ‘something’ of them. Makes sense? (I hope it does).
Level 3, The Larger Family
There are a large number of people who come into our lives randomly even though we don’t have anything in common with them. They are connected to us because of our family, the current organization, a team project or a course we’ve taken in college etc. Fortunately or unfortunately, for that period of time, we have to interact with this set of people continuously or periodically for various things.
This group cannot really affect anything in our lives unless we allow them to (as is true with all other groups but it is clearest with this group). They’re there, for discussions, planning and actions but beyond that, to take them too seriously would be a big blunder.
We should not expect anything from this group. Rather, we should expect them to do dumb things or oppressive things or even things that might cause us harm. And we should be prepared to manage these circumstances. We should not let our guard down, be intelligent (or clever, even) and create a halo of protection by keeping our defense mechanism on, always. This will help us navigate this group smoothly, without causing any temporary or lasting impact on our wellbeing.
Level 4, The Extras
If we think of ourselves as the main lead of a movie, this group comprises all the extra actors who are there to fill up a scene, with random parts. Dude in the coffee shop, lady crossing the street, Zomato delivery person or even our chauffeur. They’re there for a split second, in the larger scheme of things. Almost zero impact on our lives and our minds.
Sometimes when we take this group a bit too seriously, and let them inside our circle, we cause unexpected problems for both parties. Fighting with a random stranger for cutting in front of us while driving too fast or arguing with a food delivery person for being a bit late or shouting at some dog owner who didn’t stop his dog from peeing in your garden (sad, I know).
Expecting anything of ‘The Extras’ is akin to expecting ourselves to win the lottery thrice. It’s futile. The best things to do with this group and with ourselves is to ‘live and let live’. Just do not bother.
Someone honking madly at us? Let them pass. Some random delay in a delivery? Forget about it. Restaurant staff being ignorant of our requests? Speak to the manager, politely, without attachment.
This group does not need our full attention or involvement. It is a major waste of our intellect and mind space.
There you have it — Creating these levels has really helped me create a better mind-space and allows me to move on from sticky or uncomfortable situations without spending too much time thinking about what ‘should have been’ or ‘could have been’. To be able to move on, and keep walking ahead in life is a gift that I’m really happy to have received and very excited to keep working on.
Cheers!