The Bedtime Series | Season 1, Ep 5: What do I want to do?

I resigned from my job. Some time ago. October 2020 to be precise. Why did I do it? I don’t know. I mean, I know, but I don’t know. I know that it was time, I know that I wanted to make sure I did the right thing, paved the way for multifold growth for the practice & the team. I also know that I did not want to get into a comfort zone or feel the kind of confidence I had started feeling at work. Hence, I thought I’d start the slow, long and drawn out process of doing this also in the best manner possible. This means, as of today, I am still on my notice period. It has taken time, managing the team, hiring my ‘replacement’, ensuring every cog, every wheel, every nut and every bolt was set in place for accelerated growth after I left. I also felt a very REAL responsibility to do this in a very mature manner, given that most of my career till now has been fraught with immaturity, kiddish behaviour and a total disregard for the ‘normal’. Another month or two now, I’ll finally have on-boarded our new global lead, set up the product team, set up all the 5 regions in a well coordinated manner and still have left some buffer to deal with any last minute untoward items that might spring up.

Many colleagues, leaders, my immediate manager and our founder-CEO have asked me this question time and again — ‘Why’ and ‘What are you planning to do next’? I have been unable to answer this question and have mumbled something about doing my own thing, or working in a social enterprise, or getting into the entertainment industry or continuing in the world of cloud & technology (Google Maps)! I know the lack of direction or motivation or focus should be a cause of concern but this is how I am. When I’m in the state of FLOW, I love myself. And for me, FLOW is large scale, mid-scale and small-scale.

Large scale FLOW was 2019 for me — One of the most focused years of my entire professional life. I worked the hardest, our team was able to build a global practice from scratch, we did millions of dollars worth of sales, ensured the overall culture and fun we had at work set a standard that others would look up to and try to follow. And most importantly, I think I learned how to be nice, from the core of my being. And to look at others with love, take more decisions from the heart than the mind and be peaceful & content with who I was, and who I was becoming.

Mid-scale FLOW is more day to day. We all have good days, bad days and others that lie in between. If I have a good day, I will go to sleep with such a BIG smile on my face. Or maybe won’t even sleep for a long time. I remember being alone in my Pune home after a good long day, full of interesting conversations and productive outcomes. I just couldn’t sleep. Technically I was dead tired — mind, body and soul wanted to rest — but there was no way I could lie down and doze off. That’s mid-scale FLOW. I’m in the zone through the day and then into the night.

Small-scale flow occurs during a good (or bad) day. An hour or two where you just zoom into the work at hand and do it in the best manner possible. Love these pockets of FLOW. They just help you create so much magic in such short a frame of time. Pure bliss.

Anyway, coming back to the point of leaving my job — I love being in states of FLOW and for Large-scale FLOW to exist, I have to believe in something much larger than myself. It has to be meaningful, there has to be a purpose and there has to be a feeling of commitment towards what I am doing. This had started ebbing and I did not want the organization, the team or even my near & dear ones to suffer because of this. Context change is one of the easiest ways to get back into a state of FLOW. Small scale FLOW can be created by a change in scenery — working from the garden or moving one’s table to a different place in the room. Mid-scale can be achieved by changing the city, deciding to work from someone else’s home, going for a bike ride during the day. But for large-scale FLOW, this would need to be a large enough change in context. This change in context must jolt me out of this self-made comfort zone and sense of security. Hence, I figured if I started looking for something MORE, it might help me create a larger impact and possibly for a larger section of society than the current corporate landscape I am working in.

Seeing this phase of life unfold for me is one of the most exciting out-of-body experiences I have ever gone through and I am thoroughly enjoying the process. I should maybe create a part #2 — when I finally start the next chapter of my life — and part #3 — when I know if it was worth it.

So till then, abrupt endings continue. Let’s rock. Cheers.