The Bedtime Series | Season 1, Ep 20: Anxiety
As part of my last few days here, at this company, I am working on this Project with some of my team members & colleagues — I called it Project #30 because at the start of the week I had exactly 30 working days left. I wanted to spend it working closely with the team in helping them become better at what they do and who they are.
As part of this interesting endeavour, we had an introductory, free-flowing discussion. It was more for me to understand where they were in their personal or professional journey and where they thought they needed that extra push, guidance and support to become a better being, in general. These conversations have been so good, I couldn’t have even imagined. (I just hope I am able to do justice to this entire project).
One of the items that came up from a couple of individuals was around ‘anxiety’ and how to manage pressure. (Not in exactly the same words or theme, but I am making it simple for the sake of this blog).
Anxiety has been a major part of my growth. I didn’t know back then, when I was in school, college or working at the bookstore, but I have had anxiety related disorders since I can remember. Sometimes these disorders manifested themselves physically (crazy migraine attacks, or a flu or just a random fever) but most of the time these were rapidly accelerated feelings of depression, fear and hollowness. Since conversations around this were not part of 90s upbringing, I never really understood what was happening to me. I would share everything with my mom and I started opening up about some of my feelings, when I was in college. Like in my second year of engineering, I just felt like quitting college and trying out something else — in the space of hospitality maybe or become a race car driver or start my own thing. I didn’t know. I just knew that I could not study anymore. I was genuinely scared. I told my mom this and in typical Vin-mom fashion, she said, shut up and focus on your studies. Well, that was that. And probably it worked back then or I was able to find some general sense of direction eventually. Because I remember that by my fourth year my mind had started laying the foundations of creating this new ‘Vineet’ who was much more resilient, fun and enjoyed life a lot more.
My behaviour with my professors also changed from being defensive, or fearful of them to being cool, calm and chilled out. I remember this because that was the first time I started feeling that there was something special in me because the people (students) around me were still the same — fretting about marks, exams, their future etc. The first time I actually was brave about something and did something for the sake of it was when I decided to work on setting up the campus placement committee of our college, but not sit for placements myself. I still don’t know where the twenty year old me found the courage or will to do this, but I’m glad he did.
Anyway, I still struggle with anxiety every now and then. Even though the ‘attacks’ (if I should give them a name) are very minimal now and I think the last one happened in 2019 or early 2020 when I was not able to manage my personal and work-life (initial signs of burning out after having worked my ass off for more than two years, non-stop). More on that later. As of today, the anxiety is lower, I am able to find the positive in most things in life (except covid tests, which, thankfully, are still negative) and I am able to help those around me a lot more compassionately. (I think)
Well, nothing more to add right now. So, cheers?
